my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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