can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize