I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
