hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
