Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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