You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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