Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
