Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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