so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
