I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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