I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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