there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
