my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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