Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
