My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
