I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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