I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
