Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
