so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
