There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
