Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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