Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
