A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
