I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
