she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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