how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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