Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
