just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
