You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
