chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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