u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
