I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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