Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
