A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
