So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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