nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
