i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
