the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She told me I should be a condom model.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
