I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
