my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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