I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
