Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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