Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
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