you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
