Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
