He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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