I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
