once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
is it fun? or sober?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
