I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
