Some one left their pants in the elevator.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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