my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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