Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
