Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
